levels

Welp...I went back to work last Wednesday.  It's really good to be back under the roof at Pixar.  Throughout Eileen's illness, and especially over the past 6 months during hospice and after E passed away, Pixar has been amazingly accommodating and supportive.  Really above and beyond...I can't overstate it.  I feel so fortunate (despite the bad card that E and I were dealt).  I know it's rare in this day and age to have an employer that's so supportive. Eileen felt terrible about how her illness affected my work.  I was always dismissive of her concern, but she truly felt that way.  She made me promise that I would "be productive" once I went back to work.  So...yes: I'm back and it's good.

The project I'm working on is in its earlier stages so I'm afforded a "soft start" to getting back into work life.  And boy, do I need a soft start!  It's quite an adjustment.  If you were to forget the context of why I was gone, the fact is; I was absent from work...not even remotely thinking about work...for 6 months.  That's quite a chunk of time and therefore it's going to take a bit to get ramped back up.  I've been struck with how many different levels I'm working with here: Recalling how to use my brain for technical/creative stuff at work, the happiness of reconnecting with folks (...having "breakfast with the guys"), the raw emotion of feeling the loose end of the tether as I work.  At some point this week, my fingers started typing Eileen's email address...that was weird.  I guess that stuff will just happen and I can't get too wigged out about it, but, that was something.  Also related; I had cleaned my office a couple weeks ago, but while logging in to my work email for the first time, I stumbled upon the last emails she ever sent to me at work.  Again- it's striking, sobering, shocking, disorienting, and surreal, but I feel like I'm being pretty good about taking it in, dealing, and continuing forward.

I expected the holidays to be loaded with emotion...that's a given.  What I really didn't expect was how rough it was arriving home after my first day back at work.  Another moment, another first, another deep breath.....but I made it.  Onward.

I've been trying to work through some musical ideas centering around my life with Eileen, and the tragic experiences surrounding the cancer.  It's tough; a couple little pieces I've recorded are essentially unlistenable....they're simply so sad that I wouldn't want to put that in anyone's ears.  My brother Dave and I have talked about this a bit, agreeing that maybe I need to push through and record those things anyway...cathartically getting them out of my system (for lack of a better phrase) so that I can take another, clearer swing at a later time.  Another angle I'm working on is Eileen's plea to me to not make everything sad.  She was like "you're good with sad....you can do sad.....but please; make a happy song too!"   Oh Eileen...

lucky.

me and my buds Fran and Brian had a great jam at the local rehearsal space. SO FUN!!