the groove (or lack thereof)

I had imagined that I'd be in a groove by now.  I figured it'd take me about a week or so after getting back to work before figuring out how "all this" works without Eileen around: What time to get up and out in order to get Red walked and get myself cleaned up for my workday, what time to get my ass to bed, how to keep food in the house, how to keep things fairly tidy and laundered, how to fit in my all-important TV watching.  I figured that I would be an effective employee by now, arriving appropriately early, hammering through my workday with startling efficiency until clocking out at a decent hour.  I expected that my routine would have less take-out food and more consistent exercising.

So far......not so much.

My sleep schedule continues to be really screwy.  More often than not; groceries are merely words on a slip of paper sitting on the kitchen counter.  More often than not; Red is giving me "The Eye", willing me to grab his leash and set out on a walk, much like Darth Vader using The Force-
Red: "you will pick up that leash and take me for a waaalk.."
Me: "I am going to put Red's leash on Red and take Red for a waaaalk.."

I've been amazed by my inability to focus at work.  It's really something to behold.  If that was somehow a desired skill set, I would be king (and infinitely employable!).  Hhrmph....probably doesn't look good on a resume.  I have resolved to hit it hard(er) next week.

At any rate, I'm trying not to freak out about it too much and I'm reminding myself to heed the advice from the widows in my life to go easy on myself.  I am...it's just a bit of a shock to realize that things aren't going according to plan, whatever the heck plan I was on.  Who came up with this plan anyway? Oh right...me.  pfffttt.

I know I'll get to a better spot with all this eventually.  To be fair; I have made some good progress.  I've walked Red at least 2 miles every morning, with an extra mile at night.  (Ok ok....maybe not always the extra mile...but relatively consistently).  I have gone food shopping, but I'm still a little unsettled on what my routine purchases are.  There was a time recently when I went to the grocery store, spent a bunch of money on 2 full bags of groceries, came home and put it all away only to then take myself out to lunch because I couldn't find anything to eat that looked good.  WTF?  I'll figure it out.  One super positive thing is that being back at work also means being able to enjoy the great food served at the Luxo Cafe.  I discovered that I sure did miss it while I was away!  I navigated another "first" recently when the smoked salmon pizza appeared on the menu, an old favorite of Eileen's.  She always requested that I bring one home for her if it was on the menu.  I'd get two to-go for us to enjoy at dinner.  I'm adjusting.

Just over a year ago, the house next door was purchased by an awesome couple, Leigh and Pablo.  They knew Eileen all too briefly since we were pretty tied up with stupid cancer stuff most of the time and weren't able to hang out together much.  In the months since E passed away, they have been amazing friends and neighbors to me and I'm feeling incredibly fortunate that they're in my life.  Over the long weekend we had made a rough plan to meet up out at the Point Reyes coast since they were renting a cabin nearby on the occasion of Pablo's birthday.  Long story short, there were a lot of folks involved in the plan and it didn't come to fruition so Red and I went out to the beach by ourselves, promising to stop by the cabin on our way home.

The weather was incredibly nice and the waves were the biggest I had ever seen out there.  It was stunning and beautiful, and I found myself thinking alot about Eileen.  I feel like I had a nice conversation with her as I sat staring at the waves and soaking in the sun.  It was unexpected but I came away from the experience feeling a little differently.  During the most acute period of grieving, I felt completely, utterly empty and alone.  The loss was palpable and those were obviously very, very dark days.  As time has passed, I've come to recognize more and more that Eileen is here, around me and around my life. If you know me, you know I'm not very God-y, nor am I New Age-y, nor am I religious.  I have to reveal that if I had any of that before, I certainly have abandoned it now.  (not to ruffle any feathers....it's just how I feel).  A dear friend shared a quote by Aaron Freeman in the days after Eileen's passing and I've read it over dozens of times.  It pretty much sums it up for me, and I know Eileen would be drawn to it as well, given her science background:

You want a physicist to speak at your funeral. You want the physicist to talk to your grieving family about the conservation of energy, so they will understand that your energy has not died. You want the physicist to remind your sobbing mother about the first law of thermodynamics; that no energy gets created in the universe, and none is destroyed. You want your mother to know that all your energy, every vibration, every Btu of heat, every wave of every particle that was her beloved child remains with her in this world. You want the physicist to tell your weeping father that amid energies of the cosmos, you gave as good as you got.

And at one point you'd hope that the physicist would step down from the pulpit and walk to your brokenhearted spouse there in the pew and tell him that all the photons that ever bounced off your face, all the particles whose paths were interrupted by your smile, by the touch of your hair, hundreds of trillions of particles, have raced off like children, their ways forever changed by you. And as your widow rocks in the arms of a loving family, may the physicist let her know that all the photons that bounced from you were gathered in the particle detectors that are her eyes, that those photons created within her constellations of electromagnetically charged neurons whose energy will go on forever.

And the physicist will remind the congregation of how much of all our energy is given off as heat. There may be a few fanning themselves with their programs as he says it. And he will tell them that the warmth that flowed through you in life is still here, still part of all that we are, even as we who mourn continue the heat of our own lives.

And you'll want the physicist to explain to those who loved you that they need not have faith; indeed, they should not have faith. Let them know that they can measure, that scientists have measured precisely the conservation of energy and found it accurate, verifiable and consistent across space and time. You can hope your family will examine the evidence and satisfy themselves that the science is sound and that they'll be comforted to know your energy's still around. According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone; you're just less orderly. Amen.

Aaron Freeman

[thanks NPR for the transcript from All Things Considered]

So, hiking back to the car, I vacillated between visiting the folks at the cabin or just high-tailing it home.  Normally I would have chosen the latter...not to be a jerk, but out of fear.  I just don't always do well in new situations...call it shy or call it chicken.  But for whatever reason, I persevered and arrived at the cabin shortly thereafter.  The first thing that happened was this cute pit bull mix came running up to Red.  I'm like "oh geez...here we go....there's gonna be friction..." (since Red is normally not super social toward other dogs.)  That dog gave Red a waggly sniff, and Red happily returned the sentiment as Leigh greeted me and gave Red a scratch.  As we entered the kitchen I was overwhelmed with people greeting Red and watching him flit about from person to person.  What the...???  He knew everybody!  I should have put two and two together: Leigh and Pablo have taken care of Red while I've been out of town and of course they took Red for hikes with their friends.  It was hilarious....I felt so out-of-the-loop!  Everyone was super nice and Red and I hung around for an hour or so before heading back to Oakland.  It was a fun little experience.

Red loves to feel the sand between his toes.

Taking in the waves at one of Eileen's favorite spots.

L to R: Josie, Red, and Pablo. Taken during one of their outings while I was away. I swear- Red never looks that happy with me!