v plow: holidays and thoughts that haunt

I made it through Thanksgiving and Christmas...(not currently worried about New Year's since me and E always slept through it anyway). I had some moments for sure, but I'm glad to report that I generally kept my head down and kept moving forward. Because of that technique I felt pretty distant and indifferent about Christmas this year, but I think that's ok....couldn't really fathom getting into the spirit. It's been just over 3 months since we lost Eileen. I can barely believe it, it's hard to comprehend. Time. wtf.

I traveled home to the U.P. to see my family for a short visit over Christmas. It was good to get out of town again though I sure don't need to get on a plane for a while.....I've certainly logged some miles these past few months! It was beautifully snowy and bitterly cold so I did a lot of sitting and staring out the windows at the snow. It was good. It was a drag to do the actual traveling, but as much as I may complain, I have to say it was good for me. Always good to see and spend time with my family.

It takes a full 12 hours to get from my door to my parents (or the rental cabin, where I stayed again this trip)....it can be pretty epic if the weather and/or timing is challenging. The roughly 5hour drive from Minneapolis to the U.P. is, (and has always been), the most cathartic driving of my life. The history I have with that road, whether I go through Duluth or take the back way through Wisconsin, is something that I draw upon whenever I'm driving it. I've done it hundreds of times and the road always helps to conjure up the past for me. This trip was no different, and my thoughts jetted back and forth from college-era late night blizzard drives, to hot summer lazy trips with Eileen, and even to the last time I drove the road...back in October, after she passed away. Eileen was good at encouraging us to stop once in a while to take in the sights- I can be bad about being too driven to get to the destination and not "taking it in" at least once in a while. It's amazing how that particular mailbox along the road, or that old building, or that stand of trees can help me recall little vignettes of previous life.

In amongst my memory tripping along the drive I thought about how frustrated I am about some of my own failings throughout Eileen's illness....namely my memory, or lack thereof. I can remember the most intricate, trivial things in life but sometimes I really drop the ball on the big stuff. Notably, and most heartbreaking to me, is that I can't quite remember the details of one of the last conversations I had with Eileen. There was a period of time toward the end when her lucidity was fleeting and unpredictable. The slurry of meds, the sleep, the unrelenting attacks on her brain and central nervous system from the tumors....all acting against her beautiful being. There would be days when she didn't talk much, but then miraculously there'd be a short time where she and I could talk clearly, one to one. I recall one evening when Mommer had gone back to her rental home; Eileen and I were awake and she was completely lucid. I was so enthralled with the act of talking with her, finally again having the gift of some moments of togetherness, that for the life of me I cannot really remember WHAT we talked about. I know it was a lot of the typical musings, but we also touched on some heavy subjects that night...things we needed to tell each other. I feel that I absorbed her intentions even though I have no recollection of the details.

Eileen knew the score much earlier in the illness than I and made certain that I knew how much she loved me, and what her wishes were, but this later conversation haunts me. I want so badly to be able to have a recording of it....to hear us talking to one another in those moments. My phone was in my hand- I could have just hit record, but I was just so into her in those moments...enchanted. sigh.

I've struggled with memories of the worst of it- essentially I get little flashbacks. I know I've been through the wringer and this stuff will be with me forever. I try not to stay in those dark areas for too long, and really it's just little bits here and there, but they sure can put me in a funk. I know as time continues on I'll be able to be more at peace with even the darkest stuff. I also know that I have to do my time in those dark areas now and then in order to process and come to grips.

time out: I very much want to reassure you, dear readers, that I am doing ok despite these heavy tones. I'm putting these thoughts down because it helps me to do so. Please don't fret. While this blog can be difficult to read and to write, I'm still ultimately being helped by the simple act of writing and sharing this stuff. I've gone back to my earlier posts repeatedly and discovered even more about myself and how I'm doing through all of this. It's good. game on:

I spent some time cleaning my office yesterday in preparation for getting back to work. The last time I spent any time there was last June, a month before Eileen entered hospice. I wanted to kinda go through and sanitize, both figuratively and literally. I found some more post-it notes regarding oncology appointments and chemo notes....good to get those cleaned out...and I used a shit-ton of lysol wipes to get the dust off my monitors, mouse, and keyboard. I keep my office very dimly lit due to the work I do, so when you throw on the overheads, hoo boy....what a hole. I'm now confident I can walk in and not get grossed out or freaked out on the 2nd. I'll likely have a few hard days reconnecting with folks I haven't seen since "before", but at this point I'm happy I'm going back. If I were to continue this particular limbo for too much longer things might get weird. Getting back to work will give me another focus and a much needed schedule.....that'll be a bit of an adjustment though.

The pile of paperwork has a dent in it! It took a while to get up my gumption but I finally tackled what I could. Here I thought I could power through and get it all done before going back to work, but I've come to realize that goal is entirely unrealistic. This is a marathon, not a sprint. It's incredibly frustrating to deal with (I need this form...no this one...ok that one....oh shit, get it notorized....fax it...nope- gotta get mailed....more followup phone calls....more emails...argh!). It's not my forte, but I'm doing what I can and trying to be a little easier on myself. I'll get it done....it's just gonna take longer than anticipated.

Over $6500 was donated to UCSF in Eileen's memory, earmarked for breast cancer research. That is very happy and humbling news and I thank every one of you who donated! Thank you. Let's all have a happier new year. fuck cancer.