v plow: I can trump you.

During the darkest days after Eileen's passing I found myself having really nasty thoughts toward anyone around me who was complaining about, well, anything. I was so hurt and so acutely grieving that to hear someone bitch about their car troubles or whathaveyou would really send me into a bit of a tizz internally. Luckily I didn't unleash that demon on anyone (quietly seething is more my style) but even so, it's an ugly trait that I need to keep in check. Everybody's got their problems and who the fuck am I to think that I somehow "win". Honestly, I can probably trump you in a lot of cases, but geez....it's not a competition.

With all that being said, I'm finding that I'm functioning better out in the world, interacting with people, and not having such an obvious dark cloud around me. For a while there I was having a really hard time with all the small talk of daily life. It was all I could do to not unleash on the poor checkout person at the grocery store if they asked me how my day was going. Lately, and uncharacteristically, I'll actually ask the checkout person how their day is going. Who am I?? I guess I'm just making a new normal for myself....and it doesn't always look like I expected it to. Eileen was generally quite pleasant to folks and I would be the preoccupied jerk. I guess I'm softening a bit.

I'm spending a lot of time staring at the calendar....January is fast approaching. I'm feeling a bit more positive and slightly less apprehensive about returning to work. I figure the first week or so is going to be pretty hard but I've been sorta easing back in to that life bit by bit. I've gone out to see some Pixar bands play, which undoubtedly affords the opportunity to see some folks I haven't seen since "before". I plan to go to another band event this weekend and I'll again see a few more folks. Late last night I went to work because I needed to get my new phone setup with my Pixar email and that can only be done while on campus. I actually sat at my desk and I actually logged in to my computer there. What a trip....my body immediately got into "ye olde work slouch" posture. It's going to be an adjustment but, it's getting to be the right time to get back. I think.

I have a very strange relationship with time right now. A minute can be a day, a week can be a second, and my thoughts are sometimes all over the place. My little meltdowns have come at the oddest times and when I least expect them, but for the most part have been brief and I pull myself together quickly. I'm accepting of them and they're usually a good thing on some level. A couple recent rainy mornings were rather rough but the animals got me going. Oh, speaking of which...a good story to lighten things up a bit:

By way of an incredibly masterful plan that I devised (um...yeah...), I was able to minimize the time I had to walk in the pouring rain to get the car serviced, while also incorporating some good dog walks for Red. It's a long and intricate story, but what ended up happening is that I had one vehicle at home, one vehicle at the train station about a mile away, and it was still pouring but getting late. I had to buckle down and retrieve the truck at the train station before day's end. I outfitted Red with his little raincoat and we sloshed up to get the truck. We were completely soaked. Red happily jumped into the back seat (usually I need to bribe him with a treat) and I got in the front seat and shut the door....and then Red decided to shake off! Argh... I was soaked, the interior of the truck was soaked, and Red was.....oblivious. Woulda been funny to see from the outside but I wasn't laughing much. The wet dog smell has dissipated. Mostly.

In pleasant news, my old friend Sue came out for a quick visit this week. I hadn't seen Sue in forever but we've kept in touch via email and facebook for several years. It was great to have her around and it was fun to show her the sights, especially since she had never been to the Bay Area. We completely lucked out with the weather- I thought it was freakishly warm when Dave and I went out to Point Reyes a few weeks ago, but it was downright summery when Sue and I were there the other day. It's so fun showing off this area....I've become quite a Bay Area zealot! We bopped around town and had some good meals and good chats. I sure am grateful to have such good friends.

As I look back at all I've done since Eileen passed away, I think I've been striking a decent balance between periods of good distractions/friend time and good alone time. Annie's been here, Tim's been here, I've been to the U.P., Dave's been here, I've been to CO, I've been to CT/NY, and Sue just left on Wednesday. Now I've got a week or so of alone time until I head back to the U.P. for xmas. That'll be a short trip because I want to get back here and really work toward getting my head in the game for going back to Pixar. And I still need to knock out that damn stack of paperwork that's been staring at me from the diningroom table. Once I get back in a groove at work, it'll be a lot slower to get anything accomplished on the home front, so ideally I need to take care of the majors before January. I've got myself on a schedule and a deadline!