It's been a month since Eileen passed away. It hasn't sunk in. It's all so unbelievable...so surreal.... words escape me.
It doesn't feel right to continue posting to Eileen's Blog, and I really don't know how long I will keep it active....that's something that weighs heavy on my mind. I've gotten so much input from people about the blog, about how it has such value to them. For the short term at least, I'll let it be. I don't know how long I'll keep this new secondary blog active, but I guess I just feel a need to put my thoughts down. Mostly for myself to document my mindset. Maybe you'll get something out of it too.
I'm trying to regain my footing. I'm learning how to move forward. There are countless "firsts" to navigate: being in the house without her. Waking up without her. The first visit to Yosemite without her. The first time at our favorite restaurant(s). The first time revisiting each of our favorite hikes. I can't tell you how many times I've seen something while I'm out and about and nearly picked up the phone to tell/text Eileen about it.
I'm tired and I'm fried. The past several months have caught up with me and it's really difficult at times. It's lonesome. I'm low. Lonely. Empty. I'm walking around with a giant void. I've got lots of lists going because I'm scatter-brained. I've got a stack of paperwork to deal with and it seems that more comes daily. Lots of different accounts and forms to discover and manage, lots of people to "inform". Now, I know things will change...I know I'll adjust, things will get a littler easier over time, but man....sucks.
I'm lucky to have many dear friends that want to see and spend time with me. (and Red, Diesel and Hayward are keeping me busy!) I've been trying to get myself out in the world and see people...lunches, hikes, bike rides. It's hard though. I don't think I'm particularly fun to be around....I'm sorta dull and preoccupied with my thoughts. When I'm out doing something, I can get into a mode where things actually seem relatively normal....."oh hey I've done this before....I've played music with my friends...this is so fun...." and then, boom: The sobering moment where I remember that, no, Eileen is not at home cooking or sewing or whatever, and I don't get to go home and recount to her the fun I've had.
Eileen and I were not a couple who you could describe as inseparable, per se. We each maintained a certain level of independence. When we were with each other, we were definitely TOGETHER but she had her work, and sewing, and cooking, and gardening, and so many other activities that she enjoyed without me. Well, that doesn't sound right....it's not that she didn't want me around, it's just....oh, you get the idea I hope. Likewise, I had things that I did- recording music, biking, house projects, etc. What I'm getting at is the fact that I am actually quite accustomed to doing things alone. However, I always felt the draw of Eileen....I always felt that tether between us and I always, always counted the minutes until we were together again, each with our own new stories of the day to recount. It's going to take me a long time to get used to the loose end of the tether.
After Eileen was diagnosed we definitely stayed closer, wanting to be sure to spend as much quality time together as possible. With that, one of the things she often lamented was the fact that I didn't do some of those independent things as much. But I just wanted to be near her. Always. She felt terrible that her diagnosis made me compromise on what were my "normal" activities. While I wouldn't change a thing, I'm now sorta relearning what it is I do and how I am.
I'm extremely fortunate that my work has been completely understanding and supportive through all this. Right now, I cannot imagine going to work and sitting in a dark room, staring at a computer monitor all day. I wouldn't be productive and I don't think it'd be good for me nor for Pixar. I'll take these last weeks of 2012 off from work and try to continue to regain my footing. I'll get back in the saddle in January.
I know this may all come across as a little alarming and maybe a little doom and gloom, but really; I'm ok. I mean, I'm not ok...all this is not ok...but, I'm ok. I will be ok. Eileen made me promise that I would be ok.
I'll be ok.
keith
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