I'd been more or less homebound since the whole hospice thing started in July, and even prior to that me and Eileen had been staying close to home. We normally enjoyed going to the u.p. for the 4th of July but we unfortunately missed it this year due to her health issues. That was right about the time when the paralysis was setting in, alarmingly, as the tumor activity started to get the best of her.
So, aside from being wrecked from Eileen's passing I was also definitely ready to get out of Oakland for a spell. I've always needed a little windshield time to keep myself straight, and that trip always affords plenty of driving. (I fly into Minneapolis and then drive north almost 5 hours.) Because things were so hectic here during July, August and September, I really lost track of time. After Eileen passed away it took me a long time to wrap my head around the fact that it was already September/October. I was just warming up to that when I went to Michigan only to be plunged into waning fall and full on winter weather. The first night there yielded 2 inches of snow overnight....and me with no puffy jacket. I froze my ass off the entire visit! 32 degrees and a 30mph wind feels so much colder to me than it used to when I lived in a colder climate. sheesh! As expected, the long lonely drives up and back were good for me, and difficult at times, but good. I saw 2 bald eagles on my drive back. That was cool.
I carried some of Eileen's ashes with me to Michigan (and no, I didn't get through the TSA screening without incident...sigh...do I really have to tell you that those are my wife's ashes? really?). Eileen really loved it in the U.P. and every time we went we had a great time busting around in the woods. The u.p. is a inexplicably special place, and I wanted to release some of her ashes in the area. I found a very appropriate spot that I know she loved where we had some nice memories. Now I've got a place to visit and feel a little closer to my Eileen. Having done it, I felt maybe just a tiny bit of closure. I can't say that it made anything easier, but it was another step to take. Eileen was clear with me that she didn't want a funeral, but conceded that if I wanted to have "a memorial or something" it was up to me...but she essentially could give a rat's ass. Classic Eileen. Since I'm aiming to (mostly) respect her wishes, there hasn't been any service. What I've discovered is that, no matter your religious beliefs, funerals/wakes/ceremonies have existed and evolved over the ages because loved ones need the closure. They need to close a chapter...mark a time. It's what society expects nowadays. And because Eileen didn't want any of that, it sorta throws people off (including myself, I have to admit).
I did that the first full day I was there, which was good; got that done so I could spend the rest of the time trying to regroup...get my shit together. Eileen had found an awesomely comfortable "cabin" (a misnomer; it's actually a very nice house in the woods) where we stayed the last several times we took a trip up there. I rented it again for this trip, first time "on my own". It was incredibly difficult to walk in without her, but I got through it. Had some rough moments there the entire trip, but at the same time it was good to have a place to escape to when I wasn't feeling very social with my family.
Mixing heavy emotions, first snows, a rental SUV and satellite radio (as I arrived at the cabin after the long drive from mpls):
With no offense intended toward my family, they're a bunch of "stoic Finns". Whatever your vision of what a loud, boisterous, emotional (e.g.) Italian family is....picture the complete opposite of that. We do a lot of non-verbal communication....lots of knowing glances, short phrases that are succinctly effective in conveying volumes of emotion. It's nice- you don't really have to say much but you know that they know, and you know they're very supportive even though it's not overtly obvious. Maybe I'm not explaining it too clearly here, but what I'm getting at is that it was good to be home and be around my people.
In more pleasant news, my brother Dave and I did some music recording together on one of his latest songs:
karma
Pretty challenging to get a good mix with that setup while at the same time getting a good live performance, but you get the idea. My intention is to get back into songwriting and recording music....it's therapeutic.
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