3500

I have around 3500 photos of Eileen, whether just her alone, or with others.  3500, give or take a couple hundred.  It's finite.  My photo library on my computer has only that number of photos of her.  I have video clips too, but sadly that number is even less.  I cherish every morsel of imagery of Eileen that I have.  I have the first photo I ever took of her, and I have the last.  That right there is some heavy stuff.

In the later days of Eileen's life, I spent whatever downtime I had frantically sifting through all our photos, organizing them into folders so that Mommer and I could see images of happier times.  I had a slideshow of them playing on the tv in the background, which was very nice.  We'd start up the slideshow for a while, then get a little overwhelmed and turn some crap tv show back on.  In the days since Eileen's passing I've spent many hours looking through all these memories.  I keep telling myself to take it easy....maybe take a day off from it, but I just can't.  I have a story, a memory, about every single image and I want to replay that in my mind.

On one hand, I'm destroyed that 3500 is all I'm left with....why didn't I shoot more, document more of our life together!  On the other hand, I feel like I did a pretty good job of shooting just enough to document our lives without getting so "shootie" as to be distanced from said life as it was happening.  Not really a conscious thought in the moment, but that's how it turns out.  I have a few series of photos where I was obviously testing out a new flash or a lens and she was always a trooper, patiently posing for me....until she'd run out of patience.  (That part was documented too.)  Naturally I didn't document every outing or activity so I'll have to rely on my own memory, unaided,  to recall those times....something my pea-sized brain isn't always capable of.  I cherish every shot I do have.  Interestingly, it almost doesn't matter if the photos are "good", or high resolution or not.  Even a blurry, low-resolution iphone photo of Eileen is the best photo ever.

Never in my life have I been so zealous about backing up my data.  In addition to my typical backups, I've got online copies of all those photos now and that's incredibly comforting....I did those backups in the dark days soon after her passing.  Those ones and zeros are priceless and I'm so thankful that technology enables an easily achieved degree of safeguards.  (and I'm so happy that my computer didn't decide to take a dump right then!)

Just as important as the photos, but in a different way; I cherish all the emails I have from Eileen, whether it be a mundane "I'll be home by 5pm" or something more involved.  Clicking through that pile of our life's documentation is also something I've been doing lately....but that's a slippery slope- I can lose hours re-reading all our old emails.  I'm aware of keeping a handle on all this memory lane tripping, but it sure can be powerful.  Life can be relatively mundane at times, but it's still valuable for me to have even those moments documented.

You may or may not know that Eileen and I met online (match.com).  This is the anniversary of our very first date in 2003, at the City Limits Diner in White Plains NY.  I had the salad with seared ahi tuna and she had the grilled salmon club sandwich.  We were so deeply engaged in conversation that they had to boot us out of there at closing time!  As I've been puttering through the house, I found a binder where she had printed out each of our emails back and forth in those formative months of our relationship.  What an amazing find.

I've been continuing to re-read her blog, in order, from the start.  I've gotten through it all....almost. I had to take a break from it.  Knowing how the story ends, it's really hard to get through.  I'm reading some of the posts through my fingers, knowing what's coming next.  It's been inexplicably valuable to have those words....her words.  I hear her voice in my head as I read her words and I feel so close to her.  If I can speak objectively for a moment:  I know of course that countless other people have and will go through a tragic loss....I'm not the only one.  But the fact that a period of Eileen's life was documented this way, well.....how odd to have this digital life.  It's such a gift.  If I had to rely only on my own memory, I'd be in rough shape.

My brother Dave left yesterday to head back to the U.P.  We had an incredible time touring around and eating (and eating....and eating...).  We did so much....it's unbelievable.  It was epic.  We made a list of all we did and it took forever because we fit so much in.  Some highlights (though they were all highlights really) were going to Yosemite, jamming in one of the rehearsal spaces at the local Guitar Center, working on music here at the house, and sharing with him all the incredible scenery of the Bay Area.  I'm exhausted and laying low today.  It was bittersweet that Dave finally got out for a visit.  I know we both had Eileen in mind constantly.  Whenever we had some silly decision to make (this food or that food?...this activity or that activity?) we'd wonder what Eileen would tell us to do.  Always the right choice of course.

 

Quick story:  You may know that Dave has been recording and posting his songs to youtube.  At this point he's actually got enough material for a whole album.  When we were at Guitar Center, I ran into one of my friends from work who follows this blog.  He saw Dave with me and was like "oh man!  I listened to all your songs while I was at work!"  It was fun to watch Dave's head explode...the last thing he expected to hear while thousands of miles from the old gas station where he records his songs.

With Dave back home, I'm flying solo again.  I've got a pretty full list of things to continue to take care of so I'm sure I'll be staying busy.

Red is paging me....time for another trot.