checked out for a bit

It's been a while.  I've been pinball'ing through life relatively successfully for the past several weeks.  I'm doing OK.  Keeping myself rather busy.  More later but here's a few photos for now:


exploring my options for getting Red to daycare.

I took a pass at cleaning the garage.  It needed it badly!

Red took a selfie one morning.

HIGH FIVE!!

New trick.  He's not so fond of it though..

Finally got some motion lights installed along the driveway.  One of those things where you feel dumb for not doing it sooner.

Making great inroads into peaceful co-existence among the animals. It's taken a very long time to get here....(and I still don't trust Red as far as I could throw him).

summit selfie at China Camp, after doing a ridiculous climb, so I was feeling pleased with myself.  That's Mount Tamalpais in the background.

one morning I chose to be a real jerk to Red.  He took it in stride.

I did a quick trip to the U.P. back in September.

Looking good you guys.

year

It's been a year.

That doesn't mean I woke up feeling differently.  Mostly it's just a reality check for myself and anyone else who's marking this time...a reminder.  A year.  The reaction is usually disbelief coupled with refreshed sadness.  Time for me is generally irrelevant when it comes to the loss of Eileen.  It's another day, and I need to decide going forward how I'm going to handle this annual scab-picking.

I did a long hike out a Pt Reyes on Sunday, one of Eileen's all time favorite places.  I wanted to visit the spot where I proposed to Eileen back in 2006 and have some moments where I felt particularly close to her, and give myself an opportunity to spend the afternoon taking it all in....accepting it, and perhaps gaining some closure.  I guess you can say it was my idea of a funeral, 364 days after she passed away.

It was gorgeous out.  Perfect temps, no coastal fog, and a nice sea breeze.  The trail terminates at a rugged outcropping overlooking the ocean, where it meets Tomales Bay.  It's really stunning, but a sizable hike of about 10 miles round trip.  I was feeling fresh and my feet were in good shape for the whole trip, which was great considering my mild apprehension (I hike a ton, but never that much mileage all at once).

I had it in my mind that I wanted to visit the exact spot where we got engaged, and while you'd think I would easily remember where the spot was, the truth is; I hadn't been out there for a long while and things were looking a little different to me.  There's several boulder piles along one section of trail...way off on the ocean side of the path, and I tried to cross-reference the different piles with photos taken that day.  Strangely, while my gut was telling me it was this one, the photo reference sure didn't match up.  I know this is sounding a little obsessive (I felt that way myself at the time) but this puzzler was helping to keep a bit of distance from what I was actually doing out there: I was saying a final goodbye to Eileen.

Eventually I realized that it was more about this place and this experience than a specific spot.  I hiked closer to the cliff's edge and sat down to take in the view and have a moment.  Just as I sat down a murder of crows flew overhead and I had to laugh at the irony, recalling Eileen's disdain whenever seeing a solitary crow.  She wasn't superstitious except for that one thing; she believed seeing a lone crow was a harbinger of badness.  (I'd seen her angrily throw rocks at a crow once.)  With Eileen heavy on my mind, it just seemed like an awesome little in-joke between us.

I sat for a while taking in the sights and smells and breeze. I remembered all kinds of wonderful times E and I shared over the years and I felt so happy to have had the chance to be with her.  Eileen was incredible in every way and I miss her so much.  I took stock of where I've been, where I'm at, where I'm going.  I cried and laughed and stared at the ocean and soaked in the sun, and watched a turkey vulture catch updrafts along the cliffs.  It would come in real close and real low, so close that I could hear the wind moving over its wings.  For being such an ugly bird, it sure was beautiful.

After a while, I composed myself and got back on my feet.  I looked over to see a coyote not 100 feet from me.  I worried it didn't know I was there so I cleared my throat, but it hardly batted an eye.  It just gave me a quick glance and then went back to hunting.  I watched it pounce on a hole in the ground and come up chewing on lunch, then move on to another hole...creeping slowly with ears at attention. Really something to see so closely.  This day was quite an experience.

And tomorrow's another day.

coming up on a year.

I'm in a challenging period here.  There's hardly a minute that goes by that I'm not somehow reminded of everything that's happened and how it all came down.  I'm trying...TRYING...to keep my level of distraction very high, realizing full well how loaded these weeks are.  Even at that; there's always some reminder:  I cleaned out the truck and found a receipt from one of our last dinners out.  I stumbled down the rabbit hole while searching for some inane info in my old emails and instead found some choice reminders of how Eileen and I sure did the best we could while the walls were crumbling down (man, she sure was incredible).  I've been taking another pass at the house, finally addressing some of the piles of clutter and collating some of E's remaining clothes and shoes for donation.  I gathered some photos to get printed up and of course noted all the dates they were taken.  It's impossible for me not to mentally categorize memories as before vs after diagnosis, and I especially have a hard time absorbing what's what this year relative to last.  What a pisser.  Fuck cancer.

But...I persevere.  I find whatever bright side there might be, or shift my focus if it's an impossibly dark memory.  Been exercising a good amount...biking, jogging, walking Red, watching lots of stupid tv and gravitating toward the absolute stupidest movies I can find.  If I had the ability to view myself from another's perspective, I'd say that I'm doing well.  (I don't necessarily recognize that fact myself, but...ok, sure...).  I've got lots of healthy coping behaviors and I lean on my friends.  Just gotta keep rolling down this rough road.

distances.

Distances.
Physical distance.
Emotional distance.
Time distance.

I pondered these distance categories as I traveled across the country.  (Forgive me if I veer into the metaphysical, but I have thoughts with only broken words to describe).  Time and life and living and lifetimes and dying and death and big universe stuff...all intertwined and complex.  It was yesterday that E and I were driving this road- but it was a different yesterday...and it could have been that yesterday, or the one from five "years" ago when it rained and we were laughing our asses off at some random recollection, or it could have been that other sunny yesterday when we were both just quiet and riding with the windows down.  It's all piled on top of itself and then it's all spread out before me and I pick and choose how to put it all together, but then it's all completely empty, and then again it's all there...coming at me in broken bits that I can't control and the hard gets mixed with the easy and the lovely with the sad.  And then my new realities get mixed in and the pile gets higher and that roadtrip I took in the summer of 2013 is there too.

I have 'recalibration phases'- which is what I've been calling those peculiar moments when I'll get sort of short circuited- where I have to stop and take in where I am and what I'm doing and remind myself of what's what.  "Am I really right here, standing in sagebrush in central Utah?  How come?......oh, right..."

I realize it's just my psyche continuing to come to terms with all that's happened and where I'm at.  It's just, well...weird sometimes.  And sad.  Like an odd time warp or time jump, a slice from one of countless parallel lives crossing over into this current one.  Part of my healing/grieving process has consisted of my psyche doling out only little bits of the whole picture over these months...a kind of self-protection.  I dive in...then recalibrate, adjust, accept, and carry on.

An overarching reality of this period of this year is that;  it's when things really turned for the worse last year.  This period is the cusp of when it all started crashing down in earnest, when it went from bad to worse, when the wheels came off, when some ass-hat put a brick on the accelerator.....and I'm grappling with how that fits, how that feels, how to recognize it, or ignore it, or wallow, or reconcile, or compare to, or....as I try to do: celebrate all the memories that I have of my life with Eileen.  I'm trying to take the high road with myself, so to speak.  The really heavy thoughts will come no matter how hard I try to stay "light", so...as has been the case so far- I'm dealing.

Mostly the trip was really good:  Freeing. Relaxing. Mind-blanking.  Somewhat adventurous.  Fun. Sometimes it was downright rotten:  Long mileages of sadness:  What am I doing, where am I going, why am I here?  Am I here?  Has it been that long, or this recent?  How far is Eileen from me?  She's still right here, but she's also not.  Distances.  Non-linear distances.  Metaphysical distances.

Having said that heavy stuff, don't worry I'm doing ok!  The trip really was great, on many levels.  It was a journey.  Like I say; it had some down moments, but all in all it was amazing (...and honestly it's been a real trip to sit at work in my dark office, trying to get into THAT mode again).  I'm already dreaming up new little trips to take!

I spent a week traveling east, visiting along the way.  Then I was in the U.P. over the week of the 4th of July, then I spent another week traveling back west, again visiting along the way.  As it turns out, I kept myself on a pretty tight schedule.  I thought I'd feel like things were a little more open-ended, but once you start looking at the calendar vs the mileage....ya gotta be careful not to dally too long!  I used to be much more of a DRIVER than I am now, it seems.  There were a couple really long travel days that were bordering on grueling, but then a few legs were relatively short-ish, closer to 6hours than 12.  Those were really nice.  I put 5530 miles on in 19 days.  whew!

There are so many highlights from the trip- visiting friends and family and taking in different parts of the country.  I had a few really great mountain bike rides and relaxed a ton.  I had a few notable days that go down on my list of near-perfect days.  (I'm mentally recapping those...trying to gather what the winning recipe was).

It was great to have Red along on the trip- he really got into the groove of being in different spots every day with different people.  He's not a super affectionate dog, but he absolutely loves being near me and the trip sure satisfied him that way.  He became accustomed to the nomadic lifestyle, and I actually felt a little bad for him once we got home and I got back to work.  (oh, he's fine!).  One of the things I learned is that he, being from the bay area, isn't so keen on high heat and high humidity.  There were a couple times when he actually didn't want to get out of the air-conditioned truck.  Also, he is definitely not fond of deer flies, but really...who is?  I think he came back a different dog, and Leigh and Pablo made the same observation.

Here's a smattering of snaps from the trip.  Too many shots of Red, but hey- he's photogenic.

we're off- like a herd of turtles.

Red listens for fishes at Games Lake MN.

on the salt flats in northern Utah.

with Tim and Stacey in Colorado.

Red gets into the swing of hotel life.

With Sue's dog Rosebud in Nebraska.  Hot as Hades!

taking a walk along Tim and Stacey's road in Colorado.

I am in full on summer mode.

I like how my new helmet makes me look little.

relaxing at the rental cabin in the U.P.

some of the Minnesota rest areas are delightfully wild.

did a photo shoot of my niece Hannah for her graduation pictures.

sometimes the truck would spontaneously explode. Organization is key.

mom and dad.

biking in Colorado at 8500feet.  pant...pant....

Tim watched Red as I took a couple laps at the awesome Volmont Bike Park in Boulder.

Red channels his inner Julie Andrews..

way out off the pavement in Utah.  Adventure!

pine beetles are wreaking havoc in Colorado.

Stacey had never met Red.  They got along.

Road dog in Colorado.

Rosebud tormented Red but they worked it out. Eventually. Sort of.

Dave.

Donner Summit on the way home.

Joy Mom Adam.

Tim met me in Boulder for Burritos.

Sue and me and the dogs had a great time relaxing in Lincoln.

two trucks and a rabbit spotted on I-80.

only stayed in 2 hotels but Red is a huge fan.

in "No Pavement, Utah"

hiking the reservoir in Nederland Colorado.

Dad Rich Mom Chris Adam. and of course Red.

Pam, who I hadn't seen in about 16 years. Was amazing to see her and Scott!

Pam and Scott. Pam is healing up after a lung transplant. BE A DONOR!!

me and Red hiked out to Rainbow Falls in the U.P.

nieces Hannah and Sarah.

road dog lunches in western Nebraska.

the cats were very pleased to have me back home.  However, they did not miss Red.

Eileen rode bikes.

I've been getting out on the trails with some regularity lately.  It's been good- it clears my mind and I certainly need the exercise.  There's a spot in Marin county called China Camp where I enjoy riding on the weekends.  It's not super technical riding, but you can make it as challenging as you like if you amp up the speed.  Eileen and I would ride there fairly regularly and it was always fun.

When Eileen and I got together back in 2003, I was in my personal salad days of mountain biking.  I was living in Westchester County and had taken up downhill mountain biking.  (For the uninitiated, that's when you go to a ski hill and ride the lift up with your bike, then bomb down the trails that are  in the wooded areas between ski runs.  It can be pretty sketchy and requires solid bike handling skills.  Many riders wear body armor and full-face helmets because the stakes are high.  I was never awesome at it and I didn't do crazy jumps or anything, but I really, really enjoyed it.)

Naturally, I wanted to share my bike habit with E, and she was a great sport about it.  We got her a bike that was up to snuff and started riding together regularly, though we shied away from the super-challenging trails.  She had a few good falls and frustrating rides as her skillset developed, but I always assured her that we all went through that and it'd get better.  Despite some of those early setbacks, we always had great times on the trails.  As I was looking through photos of E the other day, I found one where she was proudly showing off a HUGE bruise on her thigh (the result of a crash on the trails).  She had color coordinated her outfit to complement the deep blues and greens and purples of her bruise.

Eileen was good at evaluating all angles whenever making purchase decisions- she always did her research and always appreciated good quality.  At one point, she decided that her bike needed an upgrade and the next thing I knew she was taking delivery of pretty much the nicest mountain bike I had ever seen up to that point (Ellsworth Epiphany, FYI).  She knew it would be good for her....the fit was much better than her previous ride, and it had much better suspension technology.  (Plus she hated the red/black color scheme of her older bike.)

For both of us, riding the gnarly trails back east helped alot when coming to California where the trails near here are, well, different.  Much hillier of course, many more fire roads and less super-technical riding....in a way: easier.  It was actually kinda refreshing, (but I sure do miss the crazy jumpy-jumpy rooty-rooty technical riding now and again).

So, all this is leading up to my story about riding at China Camp with Eileen.  We were getting back into riding after moving to California, and China Camp fit the bill as a comfortable, controlled trail system where we could acclimate to the wonders of hardpack, dry gravelly trails, and extended climbs.

Fast forward a few years, and we both were in a decent biking groove, with Eileen spending alot of time riding around the city- commuting to work and running errands by bike, and me hitting the trails as often as possible .  We went to China Camp one weekend to "do a loop".  We had progressed from the lower trails, which have less climbing and barely anything technical, to the "full loop" wherein you slog uphill for a good half-hour before enjoying a wonderfully long downhill that zigs and zags through the forest, clinging to the side of a steep hillside.  Not super technical, but it does have some rocky sections and a few switchbacks to negotiate.   The downhill switchbacks are challenging since you have to manage your line, weight distribution and braking just right, otherwise you'll be in rough shape.

My inclination was always to let E lead, since gravity loves me on the downs and I didn't want to get too far ahead of her.  E would take off and I'd wait around for a minute or two before taking off myself.  We'd both hammer, but I'd inevitably catch up.  She hated that scenario and wanted me to take the lead instead..said it nerved her to have me "breathing down her neck".  On this particular day I relented, with the promise that I'd wait for her at the next big junction.

There were a few other riders out that day and with the narrow trails, passing (and getting passed) can be tricky.  I zoomed ahead, had a super fun run and paused at the aforementioned trail junction to wait for E.  I had stopped just past a downhill switchback, so the trail I had just ridden was now essentially above me, contouring through the thick foliage along the hillside.  I was barely there 10 seconds before I heard the telltale sound of knobby tires humming, chain rattling, and rear derailleur slapping...wow, that rider is rolling fast!  My first thought was that some jackhole of an aggro rider came up behind E and blew past her....my protection instinct kicked in and I was ready to give my best intimidating glare to the approaching rider but lo and behold; it was Eileen!  She pulled up with her sly smile and gave me the look of "why are you waiting right here?....Let's GOOOO!"  I was so proud- her biking had really come along and she was so cute with her typical reserve, but she was really having a blast.  Nice day.

And now:  I can't ever forget that stuff.  I rode at China Camp today and, as every ride, waxed nostalgic about riding with Eileen.  I spend a lot of time focussing on the happy times we had together, and I'll tell ya- we had some very very happy times.  I'm so fortunate to have had what time I did have with Eileen.  She was so awesome.  She rides along with me now.

Stewart Bufferlands in Orange County NY 

Killington Mountain in VT

Moab UT

In other news, I'm preparing to take a road trip to Michigan for the 4th.  I'm excited....I'm taking Red with me!  I'm hoping I don't get halfway through Nevada and feel compelled to "forget" him at a rest area (I kid!).  I think the trip will do both of us some good.  I'm slightly worried about a little too much alone time, but maybe that's where my knucklehead dog comes in to keep me from getting too far down.  Also, I'll be visiting a few friends along the way so that'll keep me occupied.

It'll be a tough 4th for me since it's around this same time last year when the absolute worst of it was starting.   E really enjoyed going up to the U.P. over the 4th....it always feels like full on summer (even when the weather is punky). We missed going there the past 2 years due to major medical issues.  This will be another first for me to negotiate.  I'm preoccupied with trip preparations, and I'm also quite busy at work.  I'm crazed...but I'm sure the windshield time will do me good.  I'll update from the road.