coming up on a year.

I'm in a challenging period here.  There's hardly a minute that goes by that I'm not somehow reminded of everything that's happened and how it all came down.  I'm trying...TRYING...to keep my level of distraction very high, realizing full well how loaded these weeks are.  Even at that; there's always some reminder:  I cleaned out the truck and found a receipt from one of our last dinners out.  I stumbled down the rabbit hole while searching for some inane info in my old emails and instead found some choice reminders of how Eileen and I sure did the best we could while the walls were crumbling down (man, she sure was incredible).  I've been taking another pass at the house, finally addressing some of the piles of clutter and collating some of E's remaining clothes and shoes for donation.  I gathered some photos to get printed up and of course noted all the dates they were taken.  It's impossible for me not to mentally categorize memories as before vs after diagnosis, and I especially have a hard time absorbing what's what this year relative to last.  What a pisser.  Fuck cancer.

But...I persevere.  I find whatever bright side there might be, or shift my focus if it's an impossibly dark memory.  Been exercising a good amount...biking, jogging, walking Red, watching lots of stupid tv and gravitating toward the absolute stupidest movies I can find.  If I had the ability to view myself from another's perspective, I'd say that I'm doing well.  (I don't necessarily recognize that fact myself, but...ok, sure...).  I've got lots of healthy coping behaviors and I lean on my friends.  Just gotta keep rolling down this rough road.