distances.

Distances.
Physical distance.
Emotional distance.
Time distance.

I pondered these distance categories as I traveled across the country.  (Forgive me if I veer into the metaphysical, but I have thoughts with only broken words to describe).  Time and life and living and lifetimes and dying and death and big universe stuff...all intertwined and complex.  It was yesterday that E and I were driving this road- but it was a different yesterday...and it could have been that yesterday, or the one from five "years" ago when it rained and we were laughing our asses off at some random recollection, or it could have been that other sunny yesterday when we were both just quiet and riding with the windows down.  It's all piled on top of itself and then it's all spread out before me and I pick and choose how to put it all together, but then it's all completely empty, and then again it's all there...coming at me in broken bits that I can't control and the hard gets mixed with the easy and the lovely with the sad.  And then my new realities get mixed in and the pile gets higher and that roadtrip I took in the summer of 2013 is there too.

I have 'recalibration phases'- which is what I've been calling those peculiar moments when I'll get sort of short circuited- where I have to stop and take in where I am and what I'm doing and remind myself of what's what.  "Am I really right here, standing in sagebrush in central Utah?  How come?......oh, right..."

I realize it's just my psyche continuing to come to terms with all that's happened and where I'm at.  It's just, well...weird sometimes.  And sad.  Like an odd time warp or time jump, a slice from one of countless parallel lives crossing over into this current one.  Part of my healing/grieving process has consisted of my psyche doling out only little bits of the whole picture over these months...a kind of self-protection.  I dive in...then recalibrate, adjust, accept, and carry on.

An overarching reality of this period of this year is that;  it's when things really turned for the worse last year.  This period is the cusp of when it all started crashing down in earnest, when it went from bad to worse, when the wheels came off, when some ass-hat put a brick on the accelerator.....and I'm grappling with how that fits, how that feels, how to recognize it, or ignore it, or wallow, or reconcile, or compare to, or....as I try to do: celebrate all the memories that I have of my life with Eileen.  I'm trying to take the high road with myself, so to speak.  The really heavy thoughts will come no matter how hard I try to stay "light", so...as has been the case so far- I'm dealing.

Mostly the trip was really good:  Freeing. Relaxing. Mind-blanking.  Somewhat adventurous.  Fun. Sometimes it was downright rotten:  Long mileages of sadness:  What am I doing, where am I going, why am I here?  Am I here?  Has it been that long, or this recent?  How far is Eileen from me?  She's still right here, but she's also not.  Distances.  Non-linear distances.  Metaphysical distances.

Having said that heavy stuff, don't worry I'm doing ok!  The trip really was great, on many levels.  It was a journey.  Like I say; it had some down moments, but all in all it was amazing (...and honestly it's been a real trip to sit at work in my dark office, trying to get into THAT mode again).  I'm already dreaming up new little trips to take!

I spent a week traveling east, visiting along the way.  Then I was in the U.P. over the week of the 4th of July, then I spent another week traveling back west, again visiting along the way.  As it turns out, I kept myself on a pretty tight schedule.  I thought I'd feel like things were a little more open-ended, but once you start looking at the calendar vs the mileage....ya gotta be careful not to dally too long!  I used to be much more of a DRIVER than I am now, it seems.  There were a couple really long travel days that were bordering on grueling, but then a few legs were relatively short-ish, closer to 6hours than 12.  Those were really nice.  I put 5530 miles on in 19 days.  whew!

There are so many highlights from the trip- visiting friends and family and taking in different parts of the country.  I had a few really great mountain bike rides and relaxed a ton.  I had a few notable days that go down on my list of near-perfect days.  (I'm mentally recapping those...trying to gather what the winning recipe was).

It was great to have Red along on the trip- he really got into the groove of being in different spots every day with different people.  He's not a super affectionate dog, but he absolutely loves being near me and the trip sure satisfied him that way.  He became accustomed to the nomadic lifestyle, and I actually felt a little bad for him once we got home and I got back to work.  (oh, he's fine!).  One of the things I learned is that he, being from the bay area, isn't so keen on high heat and high humidity.  There were a couple times when he actually didn't want to get out of the air-conditioned truck.  Also, he is definitely not fond of deer flies, but really...who is?  I think he came back a different dog, and Leigh and Pablo made the same observation.

Here's a smattering of snaps from the trip.  Too many shots of Red, but hey- he's photogenic.

we're off- like a herd of turtles.

Red listens for fishes at Games Lake MN.

on the salt flats in northern Utah.

with Tim and Stacey in Colorado.

Red gets into the swing of hotel life.

With Sue's dog Rosebud in Nebraska.  Hot as Hades!

taking a walk along Tim and Stacey's road in Colorado.

I am in full on summer mode.

I like how my new helmet makes me look little.

relaxing at the rental cabin in the U.P.

some of the Minnesota rest areas are delightfully wild.

did a photo shoot of my niece Hannah for her graduation pictures.

sometimes the truck would spontaneously explode. Organization is key.

mom and dad.

biking in Colorado at 8500feet.  pant...pant....

Tim watched Red as I took a couple laps at the awesome Volmont Bike Park in Boulder.

Red channels his inner Julie Andrews..

way out off the pavement in Utah.  Adventure!

pine beetles are wreaking havoc in Colorado.

Stacey had never met Red.  They got along.

Road dog in Colorado.

Rosebud tormented Red but they worked it out. Eventually. Sort of.

Dave.

Donner Summit on the way home.

Joy Mom Adam.

Tim met me in Boulder for Burritos.

Sue and me and the dogs had a great time relaxing in Lincoln.

two trucks and a rabbit spotted on I-80.

only stayed in 2 hotels but Red is a huge fan.

in "No Pavement, Utah"

hiking the reservoir in Nederland Colorado.

Dad Rich Mom Chris Adam. and of course Red.

Pam, who I hadn't seen in about 16 years. Was amazing to see her and Scott!

Pam and Scott. Pam is healing up after a lung transplant. BE A DONOR!!

me and Red hiked out to Rainbow Falls in the U.P.

nieces Hannah and Sarah.

road dog lunches in western Nebraska.

the cats were very pleased to have me back home.  However, they did not miss Red.