palm up.

oof...Harsh few days. It's always gonna hit me extra during this time of year....can't trick me- I know where the sun was, how the light fell. I know how the air felt. I'm a quicker cry for a while and then the day is upon me. It's been two years. But really, what does that kind of time even mean. A snap of fingers. Another haircut. An overgrown yard. It's not technical time, like how fast you're driving. It's 'feeling' time. Clocks and calendars don't matter. Heart time and soul time.

I vowed to keep myself on a higher road today: Celebrate Eileen's life and all she taught me, our time together, our love, our friendship. Celebrate all our fun times...even the sad and rough times.

I miss her more than anything. (but)...  EILEEN.  IS.  EVERYWHERE.

She is. And that comforts me and keeps me going. I stay on the lookout for her influence, her turns of phrase, her mannerisms that I inadvertently adopted. Her words that still resonate in my soul.

So- today, a mantra: With my palm to the ground, nothing. With my palm to the sky, everything. Today it was palm up. Palm up even when it hurt. Gratitude. Swells of gratitude. Got my palm up. Remembering...feeling it as much as I can. All she told me. All she taught me. All we shared. The way we were together, how we orbited one another. The laughs. (Eileen could play it so understated, but that woman was f'ing hillarious).

All of it.

The thoughts come at me constantly, in flashes. A couple blinks of an eye. Milliseconds. Heart time and soul time. But today I did it up right. I bathed in the memories. I drank in her everywhere-ness and it was awesome. I thought about all the ways I am a better person because of Eileen. How lucky I am that we crossed paths way back in 2003. I felt good about myself and where I am in this aftermath, thanks to Eileen. It can be a tough row to hoe but I'm managing well, growing and always learning. Thank you Eileen for all the tools you gave me. ....palm up...

I went on a mountainbike ride out at Point Reyes, on a trail that Eileen and I had biked on one occasion years ago. It's a ride that's all about the views and the wildlife, especially the shorebirds. I swear I saw every species of bird today! (AND a sea skate!)

Because we'd only done that trail that one time, navigation was a little hazy at first but I figured it out...so many sections of trail that for whatever reason leave an impression- maybe we talked about something in particular while spinning through the old christmas tree farm, or we both choked on that rutted hill, or we squawked in glee on that sweet downhill. It came back.

I had a supremely nice time. Perhaps some moments of deep weeping. Palm up....palm up...  Perfect weather. Perfect winds. I lollygagged. Lingered. When we rode here years ago, the trail had been post-holed throughout the wet season by hundreds of cattle, making it tough to keep momentum. Today it was mostly smooth sailing and speedy. (Thank the drought I suppose.)

I made my way out to Drake's Head overlook. Stunning....just stunning. I lingered for a while, feeling close to Eileen. I peered over the cliff and noticed the sea skate way the hell down there, swimming along the shore. Doubtful it noticed me, but I waved anyway. It's so dry out here that the scene was mostly devoid of color, except for the water and the sky. So many birds. All kinds! Eileen knew all the species and would tell me which was which. Of course, since absorption has never been my strong suit, the only identifications I'm confident in today were the seagulls and turkey vultures. Maybe the cormorants. Well, and the egrets.

I backtracked over the cattle lands, giving the moms with little calves wide berth, and headed back out along another estuary to Sunset Beach. Equally stunning, and now I was down at sea level. E and I hadn't done this leg of the trail so it was fun to explore something new.

Near the end of the ride I crossed back over a small bridge and noticed the tide was coming in quickly. I stopped to watch currents for a while and was overwhelmed by all the different birds that were populating that estuary. It was beautiful, and what gorgeous sound! I had noticed sound all day, at one point attempting to record the sound of a lone pine tree in the wind. The surrounding vegetation was low to the ground and silent, but this one tree was surprisingly loud in the wind, unbelievably so. I couldn't quite catch the sound without a good mic, but I'm glad I dawdled so much on this ride. I needed that.

My actual biking time was around an hour forty-five with the odometer showing 12 miles but I was out there for close to four hours. Lots of reflection, lots of sightseeing. Bathing in the memories. Hangin'. Palm up.

I miss her so much.


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