v plow: the box of Q-tips

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The Q-tips in the Costco-sized mega-pack.
600+ at diagnosis.
300+ since she...
One a day, or a few days in between, but the pile dwindled.
Soft cotton on paper sticks lay in rows like the squares of a calendar.
I should have tossed it and started over- that box marked the mourning.
A long while until my fumbling fingers started on the last layer,
meting out a dose of yet another day.
The last several slide around and it takes dexterity to grab the remaining few.
I started skipping days, knowing I'd make it a thing (don't make it a thing).
Held out for weeks but it was inevitable; last one- empty box.
The recognition of my time...after her time. The acknowledgement of my now.
A long hot shower but a hot soak would've been more appropriate.
I miss her and it's sometimes not real.
I am alright. I will keep doing what I am.
I cleaned my ears and opened the new box.
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Slow to share here....lots of posts started but then abandoned. It's a positive thing I think. I've gotten beyond some of the more haunting thoughts and there's more time between melts. There are days when I'm a quick cry, but my tone is generally up- positive. I'm practicing being easier on myself, keeping a handle on whether my current stresses are merely self imposed or not. I sometimes think too hard about how I'm "supposed" to be at this point. I'm still shocked at how my sense of time is different than your time.

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I lament some of the inevitable changes in my interpersonal relationships, but celebrate the new chapters and new bonds. Challenges, but I am fortunate. I am lucky.

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I think my drumming has actually improved some- I feel like I got to another level recently. Still a relative novice, mind you, but it's feeling pretty good. Drumming has been such a great stress reducer and a somewhat meditative endeavor. I'm working on strategies for how to accomplish the Rohmdog album. I've spent some time experimenting with drum sounds and that makes me feel like I'm finally making tangible progress. I still expect to continue this pre-production phase for a while before I have all the pieces of the puzzle lined up and ready for the next step. I want to at least feel like it's all moving forward, and it is.....slowly. I'm teetering on the precipice of production.

April and May were a flurry of travel but it all went swimmingly. How nice to travel when the weather is pleasant! Susan and I met up in Denver for a weekend in April, where we met up with Tim and Stacey. Then in May I went to the u.p. for my niece Hannah's high school graduation. A short week later, Susan flew out here and we had a fun roadtrip down to LA together for Annie and Erico's wedding. It was my birthday so we celebrated with some really great meals and stayed at a nice hotel. Susan flew back home from LA and I drove back up north solo. Annie and Erico's wedding was superb!

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Here's a smattering of images from the past couple months: