Maybe I haven't written because it's a little more like work now. In the earlier days, the more acute grieving days, I really needed to write and I'm certainly glad that I did- it was incredibly helpful at the time and it's helpful now to review what I wrote. When I look back, I'm shocked and floored by the written words of a krinkled man but I'm glad he took the time.
And with that sentiment; here's a fresh blog post. No promises on clarity- prolly easier to just spew for a bit. Lots of thoughts I should put down if for no other reason than future reflection. A stake in the sand: here's where I'm at.
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Those first months after E passed away were terrible. I was feeling so sorry for Eileen and our families and friends, but I was functioning...keeping going. My "I just lost my wife" pain wore a nasty snark costume that looked more like "fuck you and fuck that and fuck you I just lost my wife" just to get through those days. And then 3 months later, in December, the Newtown tragedy happened. I now see that as a turning point for my grief...it made me realize that I'm not the only one who hurts and there is indeed some fucked up shit in this world happening to lots of other beautiful people who don't deserve it. I guess my own grief dulled somewhat (on some level anyway). I got some new perspective on my circumstance.
Another perspective shift happened recently while talking to a friend who's (unfortunately) dealing with some undeserved fucked up shit. We were talking about E and how she dealt with shit, and how I dealt, and I absorbed the concept that my friend dealt with E's situation too...all that was a milestone in their life too. I knew that. Of course I knew that! But I didn't quite get that. It stopped me in my tracks- one of those moments where things coalesce. I knew that, but had been still too....I don't know..."self-absorbed in my own grief" seems so harsh, but....yes; that. It was eye-opening and I thought about ALL my circle; near and far, far and wide, active and latent. We're all in on this...we're all in on everyone's stuffs. We all care. We're all factors in everyone's equation. We all hurt. I knew that. Just sorta lost sight for a while.
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The worst of it, when the shit was going down in earnest, has affected me more than I ever figured it would. My thoughts clunk down into the dark slot that holds the saddest stuff. I try to think about our happier times, but that can bring me down too, in a different way. I just feel so sorry for Eileen, and I admit to feeling really sorry for myself too. It's been suggested (by Pema Chodron, by way of my dear friend Susan's suggestion) that I let myself feel the darkest sadness as fully as I can for 90 seconds, then stop- and tell it I now need to do something else and can come back later. It's an interesting strategy that maybe sorta works, but so far it's not the winning combination for me. Working on it.
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Seems like I always have a little cry on airplanes now. Is it because I am completely alone with my thoughts, unplugged from my constant tech companion? (a rarity for sure). Look out the window- we're flying over Tahoe, where we walked on the backs of salmon and climbed a peak up to alpine air, pretending to be mountaineers in the Himalaya. Flying over the places we've been, imagining our little car motoring over the passes and across the flats and you and me talking about what sink to put in our kitchen and where we'll retire to. A dream house in the mountains and one at the ocean and one in the city. The ups and downs of the land plot the hills and valleys of your struggle. There's no state lines from here, it all just runs together- just like how cancer has no boundaries. I remember the smoke from the western fires choking us but making sunsets prettier.
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I spent Thanksgiving with Mommer and Meg and the kids in CT. It is not the least bit awkward and that makes me very happy. I feel close to E when I'm there and I hope that maybe my presence does the same for them. I spent Christmas in the U.P. with my family. My mom is doing rather well with her myasthenia gravis, all things considered. Mom and Dad have the meds regime down pat. Last year I printed/mounted a favorite photograph of E (E in the woods) for all her family and my family and some dear friends. I travel and see a constellation of Eileen.
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I hike with Red. I mountain bike. I sit on the couch with the TV muted and play guitar or bass through my little practice amp. I always come up with great riffs so I make a quick recording...listen back the next day and they all sound so dumb. I play drums every day for 20 minutes or so, 5 minutes at a time. I can finally do a double-stroke roll. (I showed my brother and he said I need to keep my pinkies in). I've been busy at work but another slow spell is on the horizon. I should use the time to buckle down and get my life more in order. I walk around the house and recognize that I need to change some things up. It's hard to get the gumption to do so....small steps. I fall asleep on the couch too often, then can't sleep once I drag myself to bed at 2 or 3am. I'm using the drought as an excuse for having a shitty looking yard. (E would not approve....she always kept things looking great). I'm spooling up to start working on music in earnest (doing, as opposed to just conceptualizing). There are songs in me that have to come out. I am lucky to have an amazing support system, thank you friends.
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E found it shocking and ridiculous that neither of my brothers have stoves in their homes. (to be fair; Dave and Joy now have one in the garage). When our stove took a dump, she was adamant that we fix or replace it pronto as she did not want to fall victim to the apparent Cormier "stove thing". We replaced ours. That (new) stove took a dump recently and I'm finding it to be an expensive fix (but I'll do it, since I'm growing weary of take-out every night and who knows maybe there's something to this whole Cormier "stove thing").
Mommer's stove took a dump at Thanksgiving. (she replaced it shortly thereafter).
My mom's stove took a dump at Christmas. (thankfully a relatively cheap fix).
My new stove parts arrived and.....still doesn't work. I need more (expensive) parts. Hrumph.
I don't know what to say about all that but I think it needed to be said.
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| ET and Bone Fangs |
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| in flight |
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| dave has been playing gigs! dave's youtube channel |
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| a little light reading |
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| U.P. trip- along U.S. 2 between Ironwood and Odanah |
Red and I have been doing a little mountain biking together! I need to take it easy on the ol' guy but he absolutely loves it. Just short rides so far.
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