healing is non-linear

One bit of advice I've gotten is that my adjustment to life without Eileen will be a non-linear process.  The mention came on separate occasions from each of my dear widowed friends, and it was presented both as a comfort but also a warning.  I can't expect that each day will always be better than the last....it's not that simple.  One of my dear friends said that she thought things had gotten tolerable after her loss, but then 3 months later she was knocked down again, out of the blue, and had to pick herself back up once again.  I'm glad they told me that because I am finding that I'm generally pretty ok a lot of the time, but then pretty fucked up again when I least expect it.

With that said, I've enjoyed a good few days recently (punctuated with a few meltdowns here and there).  I've kept the house clean to some degree, went grocery shopping, and even did some cooking again.  Here's one from last night...it was really tasty but I really need to read up on grilling fish- I'm ok at it but I'm only going by feel...gotta learn "the right way":

grilled brussels sprouts, smashed new potatoes, and grilled halibut.

Much of this healing and adjustment is remarkably subtle stuff, but it sure can be jolting when the sobering thoughts come.  Here I am walking through the grocery store, in a pretty good mood, and I find myself grabbing some particular food (that I dislike) that I would buy for Eileen.  Thwarted by autopilot once again- return food to shelf...take a breath...keep moving.  I'm also slowly catching on that I'm no longer buying for 2 and I need to really think about quantities....it's actually a little ludicrous for me to be shopping at Costco nowadays (but I'll admit: I like a good deal!).  Can't tell you how much produce I've had to compost.  I'll dial it in.

Red and I have done some really good long walks in the neighborhood and up in the hills.  Today we went on an unfamiliar trail and it was really stunning.  I'm so lucky to live, literally, 15-20 minutes from such killer scenery:

funny how that hill seems so mild here...it was quite a climb!

I've spent a shit-ton of time messing around with my drums.  I've taken over the sewing room....it's extremely bittersweet.  I know Eileen would be telling me to totally do it, but I ache every time I change something in the house to be less her and more me.  I'm mindful of taking care to not make the house into a shrine but it's still hard in those first moments of change.  I almost feel like I should buckle down and physically touch every single thing in this house, move it slightly left or right, maybe empty a drawer, then put it all back....all at once just so I can get past the whole "Eileen put that there" kind of thing.  I'm terrible with that stuff, even before me and E got together.  I can tell you where every coffee mug came from, every t-shirt, every pen for petesakes.  I still have the beach towel I was given as a gift for opening my very first checking account in Minneapolis!  (the choice was either the beach towel or a canned ham....I know I chose wisely.  Do you think that canned ham would still be around 26 years later??...not to mention I already didn't eat meat back then....).  But I digress.  I've tried to keep a handle on that behavior over the years.  I'm actually not SO bad anymore, but this experience does make me lean toward preserving as many elements of Eileen's essence as I can, no matter how small.

With all that said- the drumming and music continues to be very beneficial for me.  I can't say I'm making the progress I expected as far as getting songs written and recorded, but I'm constantly playing therapeutically and writing little bits of music and words.  I'm actually leaving early tomorrow morning to visit my dear friends Tim and Stacey in Colorado for a long weekend.  Tim and I have been doing music together for many years after first meeting in college.  We send files back and forth over the internet but we're constantly lamenting how we never actually get anything DONE.  We've got dozens of songs and pieces of songs that are "almost there".  Typically it's been "10 minutes here, 10 minutes there" with the music stuff due to all that's been going on these past few years.  One thing that Eileen wanted me to do is actually finish stuff and put out an album....so, the wheels are in motion.  It's gonna take a while, but it's a pretty big deal that I feel I must do.

The forecast calls for cold and snow in Colorado...I'm packing my puffy jacket!

I'll leave you with a little Red action- I got him some big chews at Costco the other day: